‘Not to spoil the ending but everything’s going to be okay’

A modified version of the talk I gave at Ignite Youth on 18/5/12; It's still been floating around in my head, so I thought it might be a good idea to post it here. 

For a long time, I shaped who I was on the results I got at school. 

In my eyes, if I didn’t get grade A or higher, I was a failure. In my head, my grades made me who I was, and I believed that my intelligence was all I had to offer; it got so bad that I’d make myself ill with stress before exams because I was so scared of letting people down by not achieving what I thought I should. My grades were my focus and I expected to follow them up by going into medicine. It made sense to me, and when I told people my plans, they all approved.

This was my mistake, I sought the approval of people, not God. But still, I went about putting my ambition into action. To cut a very long story short, over the course of last year I stressed myself out to an absolutely ridiculous level – I was tired all the time, withdrawn, quiet and I’d be ill regularly.

 My family noticed, my friends noticed, my teachers noticed. I wasn’t myself. Then, after the summer of last year when we went to soul survivor, in the middle of worship I was pouring my heart out to God about my fear of the future and what I should do, and I literally felt the desire to study medicine leave through  my feet. It was a very strange feeling, but medicine just wasn’t in my heart any more.

And then results day came, and it was further confirmed by getting a C in Chemistry, a subject which although I resented, I still wanted an A in. I was crushed; what was I without good results? And what on earth was I going to do with myself? My fear of failure had, in my eyes, come right into reality and I was lost. The stress cycle began all over again, until I came before God once more, and gave everything to him, I let go of my plans, my ambitions, who I was, and like the song that we sing in church so often asked him to ‘break my heart for what breaks yours’. While I was praying, Jeremiah 29:11 was a bible verse that came to me, and I’m sure many of you know it...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

...Those words, I’m sure, get quoted at many of you an awful lot, but I honestly cannot over-emphasise how true they are; Our God, the God, loves us so much, and knows us more intimately than anyone on earth ever could. I had to go through a time of being lost and broken to strip away who I thought I was, the identity that people had placed on me because if the grades I received to discover who I really was, and amazing things have come out of it. 

I know now that I’m not Lauren with the good grades, I’m Lauren who’s a little bit odd, but who wants to help others, who wants to see justice for the poor, and to see an impact through the work that I do by the help of God. It was so hard for me to discover, and it involved a lot of tears and pain, but it really was so worth it because now I have the chance to do something I’d only dreamed of before the experience (That being travelling to the Dominican Republic to work with an amazing project, of course.)

I know for everyone exam season is right round the corner, and I’m not saying to you that you shouldn’t work hard. Do your best, but don’t let grades shape who you are because it’s NOT WORTH IT. At the end of the day, the grade you receive is the one that’s right for you, and it might close some doors, but if you put God first it really will be okay, because every door that closes is just another way for God to show you the path you’re supposed to be on, and let me assure you, it’s far better than the one you can dream up on your own. So try not to worry, and try not to fear, because like David said in Psalm 27 verse 1, 

The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? 

And maybe for those of you that don't have, or struggle with, faith I really want to encourage you; it's okay to pray, even if it feels that there's nobody listening. Trust me, there is, and it makes you feel an awful lot better. 

TL;DR?  I hate to spoil the ending, but everything really is going to be okay.